but I’m going to anyway, because people on my dash are hurting.
A few years back, I was engaged. I was preparing to move all the way across the country by myself to be with my partner. He was an unconventional choice. We got a lot of questions from folks, but I was happy.
As it turns out, he wasn’t. We broke up. I didn’t see it coming. One day, working on wedding guests - next day, I don’t love you, I want the ring back.
I called my parents, who were on vacation. They flew me to join them. I stayed in bed for three weeks. I lost twelve pounds I couldn’t afford to lose. I got drunk the last day, fell asleep on the beach and ended up in the ER with a terrible full-body sunburn. I couldn’t have cared less.
Six weeks after we got back, just when I was starting to feel like I could breathe without sobbing, my mom died. She was 46. My little brother found her. I remember eating ice cream out of the tub with my cousin right after we got the call, because why not? And then I remember very little of the following nine months or so.
There are pictures of me during that time frame I have absolutely no recollection of having taken. Messages in my inbox, old texts with conversations that read like scripts because I can’t remember participating. I made “friends” I shouldn’t have and didn’t treat my loved ones like I should have. It didn’t matter. It wasn’t me. It had my job, my face and an approximation of my personality, but Sadie was checked the fuck out.
Eventually, I was treated for the (now obvious) mental health issues that had probably always been there just waiting for the right combo of stressors to tip me over. I got properly medicated and into therapy and I’m grateful to be able to say that here in 2014, I’m doing well.
Most of my longterm friends don’t even seem to be aware of what happened back then, and that’s OK. Everybody is dealing with their own stuff. I try to remember that when I feel frustrated by someone’s behavior. Nobody is 100% their ideal self around the clock. A lot of folks, in my experience, are simply trying to do the best they can from moment to moment, and if occasionally those moments become weeks or years, well, join the club. Put up a fight. Have empathy. Take a deep breath. Love youself. Love someone else if you can manage. Get out of your own head. It might not help, but what could it hurt?